I grew up as a conservative church girl in the south.
Sex was something I knew should be reserved for marriage, but other than the message of “Wait!”, I didn’t hear much about what it was I was waiting for. My mom, a faithful woman of God, did more than her part to encourage me along the way. But I still didn’t ask much about the topic. It was just too awkward – and too scary! What if I hated what I heard? What if it was all unavoidable bad news? At times it seemed safer to stick with the not-knowing.
As I grew up, I did hear the occasional whispered conversation between older married women. And it seemed my fears were true. Their comments painted their husband’s sex drive as a burden to put it mildly. I remember as a college student hearing one (beautiful, health-conscious, and well-manicured) Christian woman say smugly, “I’d rather eat a cheeseburger, than have sex.” Another woman let out a frustrated laugh saying, “I would like affection, without erection, please.”
Their “jokes” made it clear that they viewed sex as a joy and need for their husbands, but simply a burden, a drag, a bother, and an inconvenience for them. It’s hard to get excited about something portrayed as such a downer.
I’m sure these women meant no harm. They were probably shut down, tired, or discouraged. There is no blame here. But their comments were also no help for this young bride who was grappling with how to be a great wife, and how to see and embrace sex as something good. I wanted to understand it as something other than the “big dirty secret” that no one in the church seems willing to talk about, except to make fun of it or complain about it.
It was clear that when I got married at the ripe age of 20, I had a lot of learning to do on the matter. And a lot of “unlearning” as well. After nine years of loving, struggling, fumbling and sowing into our marriage, I have realized this:
My husband’s sex drive is not a burden, but a blessing.
It’s a blessing because it drives him to me. It binds us together. It reminds me of a real need in his life that I alone am uniquely called to honor and satisfy. Likewise, it represents the role only he can fulfill in meeting my needs. Excuse my language (southern girl blushing here), but my husband’s sex drive reminds me that on the other side of that erection is the affection I crave. And the more consistent our sex life is, the more consistent the affection without the erection can be. Our emotional closeness is directly linked to our sexual closeness. It’s all connected, and it’s supposed to be that way.
I love my husband’s sex drive because it’s my chance to communicate to him, in a way no one else has the license to say, that he is safe with me, he is loved and he is highly cherished. Who doesn’t want that assurance? Turns out, sex sends me a similar message: I’m safe, I’m beautiful, and I’m beloved.
This southern church girl is learning slowly, but surely that sex is not just about the act. Sex is God’s good gift of a physical act that opens up the door for a deeper level of emotional and spiritual intimacy. Sex in marriage is not dirty or kinky and it is most definitely not a burden or an inconvenience. And even when I’m fighting the currents of exhaustion or frustration, I pray for a growing perspective and grace to cherish this sacred space of intimacy. I don’t want to live annoyed by it. I want to discover all the joys it holds for my husband and me.