Why “Dropping the No” Is Not Enough (Marriage Monday and Book Giveaway)

Meet Joy McMillan.

Writer. Designer. Speaker.

(and our new friend)


Joy’s heart and message fits SO closely with the themes that we talk about here on Marriage Mondays, I just knew I had to introduce her to you guys!  You may remember, I featured her a few weeks ago when we chatted about a little tip to make your dates great.

In addition to sharing some of her transformative thoughts today, I am also super excited to be GIVING AWAY a FREE COPY of her new book, “XES: Why Church Girls Tend to Get It Backwards…and How to Get it Right”, to one of you!  (details at the bottom of this post.)

Without further ado, here is Joy with some monumental insights into our men’s hearts and cultivating a honeymoon marriage.



Ever notice the connection between your husband’s ability to be fully engaged in friendly conversation with you, and the length of time it’s been since you were last intimate?

It’s wild, isn’t it?  I don’t know what took me so long to figure this out…but the connection is clearly there.

Our sexual intimacy and our emotional intimacy are inexplicably connected.

Most men have an overwhelming physical need for sex, we all know this fact well.  But did you know that a man’s sex drive is intricately connected to his ability to feel like a ‘real’ man?

Surprisingly enough, men also have an overwhelming emotional need for sex.

While they may not express it the way we often wish they would – that level of heart-naked communication does not always come naturally to men – our hubbies struggle with deep feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. Making love makes them feel desired, it raises their confidence and self-esteem, and it boosts their overall well-being and performance in almost every area.

Do we fully grasp, as wives, that when we said ‘I do’, we were committing to be our husband’s sole source of sexual satisfaction for the extent of our lives together? 

Sure, other unhealthy counterfeits threaten to creep in from time to time, but the responsibility lies fully in our capable hands.   Because sex has the power to unlock our man’s emotions, and because we hold the key, it’s inconsiderate – and frankly unChristlike – to withhold sex from them.

Strong words, I know.  But if we refuse to do our part, there will always be another eager to fill our shoes.

Our men no longer need to go looking for opportunities to sin sexually – it literally knocks at their door several times a day.  We have the incredible ability to help guard their hearts and minds in the fight.

What a tremendous responsibility this is, sweet friends, but when we look at the heart of this gift…what an honor.  It’s a challenge we were created to conquer, if only we’re willing to enter into it with the right heart and perspective.

We need to fight for our husbands!

I chuckle when I think back to how I thought I was ‘all that and a bar of soap’ as a wife when we first got married.  I had made a commitment to not turn my husband down sexually, and I can count on 1 hand the times I have in almost 11 years.  Now before you raise an eye-brow, utter hateful murmurings and blow me off, you need to know the rest of the story.  It’s not as glamorous as it sounds.

Turns out this wasn’t really enough.

Limp noodle just wasn’t the most appetizing thing on the menu.  Go figure.  After a heart-wrenching conversation, I finally got it.  He didn’t just want a willing and compliant body…he longed for an involved, engaged partner in passion.

A survey done for ‘For Women Only’, a fabulous book by Shaunti Feldhahn (which inspired one of the chapters in my book) revealed that even if men were getting all the sex they wanted, three out of four men would still feel empty if their wife wasn’t both engaged and satisfied.

This blew me away.  Her discovery was both encouraging and convicting.  Sweet friend, there is so much more to this intimacy thing than we tend to realize…after all, it’s designed by our exquisitely complex and mysterious Creator.

Our husbands don’t just want to be satisfied sexually…they need to feel desired, needed and wanted.

So as we push in and press on, we need to understand that creating a vibrant sexual connection in our marriages requires not only willingness and selflessness, but intentionality and creativity on our part.

I am still working on initiating intimacy more and tangibly expressing my love for him in a language he is ridiculously fluent in.  And what an incredible change I see in our friendship when I’m making strides in this area!

So, step away from the computer for a moment {or twenty} and go jump your husband.   You’ll both be glad you did.

*cue Barry White*




***The WINNER is Michelle!!  Thank you all for sharing!!***

To be entered in the giveaway, please share this post on Facebook, then tell me that you did in the comments section below!

Not required for the giveaway, but I’d REALLY LOVE to hear your thoughts on what you found to be interesting or thought-provoking from this great post.  Can’t wait to send a copy to one of you!!  You’re SUCH blessings to me- can’t wait to bless you!


Visit Joy’s site, Simply Bloom, where you can find free printables, invite her to speak to your group, find insightful blog posts or even browse her graphic design business!